It perplexes me how something can consistently make me feel significantly better and yet I so often have to push myself to do it, like with cycling. On the other hand, some things that do not leave me feeling better, I gravitate towards! However, just like with my life, I take these rides one day at a time, and today I won the battle just to get out there! Because I now have our website, which is dedicated to this fundraising journey, up and running, and because what happened is very much related to the ride, I am going to include something that took place prior to cycling. I also welcome you to check out our website, which includes all the material from these rides! (videos, photos with captions, ride data, and ride summaries) The website is: https://mentalillnessmeets.wixsite.com/website
As I was on my way to my mom's to pick up my bicycle and begin my push to 70kms, I found out some family was visiting. This particular part of my family I love very much! But, here is where mental illness rears its ugly head, yes, even during times spent with people I love dearly! I enjoyed the visit a lot! But, as I was supposed to meet Jodie for our ride at 6:00pm, and as I was already late getting over to my mom's due to my long held pattern of being late for things-ask all who know me well and they will agree lol-I was hit by a huge amount of anxiety! My brain was not sharp at all today, and so I feebly tried to balance being late to meet Jodie with spending time with family I have not seen all that often, and who were happy to see me-I think anyway lol. I did not manage my time well here, but Jodie was graceful enough to allow me to arrive for 6:30pm. So, here I am, being hammered by anxiety, trying to enjoy my great family, trying to not make myself super late, balancing on that difficult teeter totter of mental stability, and then boom, I got a comment that hurt me, and that sent me spiraling downwards a little bit, perhaps a rather innocent comment, perhaps not, but one perceived in my brain as a self-esteem crusher! Well, there we go now Freddy, you have all the reason to get on that bike now, you need to melt that anxiety away and now you need to boost that self-esteem that just took a hit! We're all set right? Wrong!
As I tried to build momentum on this ride, a day with a wonderful breeze and fluffy clouds, as I tried to sink into my ride and forget my struggles, as I cycled up Highbury and reached the intersection of Fanshawe Park Rd. I tried to make eye contact with a car looking to turn right. The car stopped, but with the tinted windows some cars have, it can be tough to know if they are looking at me. Then, the car begins to accelerate, with me directly in front of it just a few feet away! I try to brace for impact, wobbling in my surprise, when thankfully, she sees me and comes to a stop! I could see her reaction, that she felt very badly that she almost hit me. However, I likely felt much worse than her! No, not just because I almost got hit, which is bad enough, but because I was already mentally rattled prior to this! I did not swear at her or shake my fist, but I did shake my head, because man, I am a big dude with a bright yellow helmet on a bicycle, with front and rear lights flashing, you gotta see me right?! She drove past me a short while later, slowed down, and apologized, and I accepted it, clearly it was accidental, but she needed to pay more attention, she could've hit me and sent me into oncoming traffic. From this point, for the next 20kms or so I was officially mentally reeling! Vehicles, which normally don't bother me much, were startling me, and sounded so loud and looked so fast! I wanted to quit and pull onto a dirt road and hide myself. I felt ugly, intimidated, unworthy of this goal, a problem to society. But, you know what, I kept pedaling! I kept going, pressing towards my 70km goal! It took a while, despite the great speed from the tailwind, before I began to calm down and feel better. In fact, it was just shortly before linking up with Jodie that I felt composed again!
As I saw Jodie waiting for me, my social anxiety cranked right up-yay, more anxiety lol-and my low self-esteem dug back into my soul. I had never met Jodie in person before, only virtual groups; would she enjoy the ride, would she find me a good riding partner, would she like me, or would I bore her? Exhausting things flow through my head at times! I must say, I was fortunate here! Right away Jodie helped me feel comfortable with her personable demeanor, and warmness! She allowed me to put into words what I had experienced mentally today, and she made a very valid comment that reminded me that I can sometimes look too deeply into what others say, and that my perspective may not always be spot on. I must say, I was a little surprised that Jodie had a cruising/leisure bike for our cycle out into the country, but she handled herself very well! This bike was sweet though. Internal gears, built-in front and rear lights, brown leather seat and handlebar grips, wonderful yellow finish, I have never owned a car that looked that good, let alone a bicycle lol. There were a few times that cars passing us caused a gasp from Jodie-takes getting used to-but she held a nice, solid pace! We enjoyed some very insightful conversation on mental health, Jodie took an impressive selfie while in mid-cycle, and we had a fantastic interview! She felt the grind of the headwind and fatigue coming back, but I sensed she had another 10-20kms in her! The only disappointment was we did not make it back in time for the ice cream truck, but hey, saved me $15 lol. Sure, I had a grueling 14kms to get through after we parted ways, and I ended up longer on my bike than normal, but I have to say, having that riding partner made the kms fly by and the time, and I really enjoyed the camaraderie! I, like many of us who struggle with mental illness and living alone, constantly need these reminders of the power of social connection, with the right people, because we can get stuck in isolation at times and lose that very important aspect of our lives! Thanks again Jodie for reminding me of that!