Hello to all! What kind of journey would it be without setbacks, right? Earlier on I had the hamstring issues-which I still slightly do-and now, as you can see by the title, 40.17kms, and not 110kms, that I occurred a setback here as well! Truthfully, I would prefer a nice parabola, (I take risks when I use big words with uncertain meanings to me lol) and after checking the definition of parabola and remembering my high school math, that is indeed the wrong word lol, today was a parabola! I would prefer a nice consistent path to my goal of 200kms in one day, but like with mental illness, some good can be taken from the bad; so let's see if I can do that with this ride!
Before I go into the details of this past ride, I want to mention that in one of my video blogs I talked about suicide. This topic was requested of me from a friend who recently lost someone she cared about to suicide, but I am no stranger to the topic of suicide myself, both as someone who has engaged in attempts before, and as someone who has dealt with others who have tried, and also as one who has thought in detail about this important issue. If you find talks about suicide to be triggering I definitely recommend you not view the video blog. I just wanted to make you aware of that important subject. But, yes, as one of my video blogs shows, I am very much fully committed to this fundraiser, otherwise, with the hamstring issues, and the time delays, I may have shut it down by now, and in fact, a time or two I considered quitting! However, what that video will also show is some very deep issues with my life and how I see it! Let me first tell you what happened. I had a good first 38kms or so, even though I did get caught in the rain! I recall thinking to myself about how well things were going, and then pop! Was it a rock I ran over, a twig, hopefully no big deal. As I come through the tunnel heading to Greenway Park, I feel my back tire slide, yet I was still holding onto hope that it was just because of moisture on the path. As I come out of the tunnel, I am now thinking, well maybe it will hold up ha ha, just a slow leak. Ya, no, I was done! I ran over what turned out to be a piece of glass! Here is where my mental illnesses and my past, and my future life outlook came into play!
To most, perhaps it would've been a matter of sure, frustration, but then, oh well, get the hole fixed and I will ride another time, but for me, and people like me, it is so much more! With my osteoarthritis, to cycle 40kms without really working towards my goal is tough to accept; I know I only have so many of these long rides left in me, at least if I want to be able to walk when I am 50 lol. I also had in my mind the time of year. Due to the injuries, and weather, and now this punctured time ending my ride, I am looking at finishing in late October! But, you know, there is one thing that beat all of these other considerations, and in which left me not just frustrated, but despondent for a bit and demoralized, and that was me! What I mean is my lack of ability to stay on top of my life. I knew there was a risk of puncturing my tire, this is not a secret to cyclists, and I also knew that I should be carrying a mini pump and a patch kit, so why wasn't I? And it is by asking myself this question that left me feeling so deflated-pun intended!
So, why did I feel so distraught? I think a big part of it is because I feel so often overwhelmed by life. And no, this is not only when I have a lot going on, but also when I have little as well. This is one of the more hidden things about battling serious mental illness. Sometimes one may think that because we maybe don't work full-time, or even part-time, like myself, that we have all this time to live it up, and relax poolside with a nice drink in our hands; for most of us this is far from the truth! Feeling overwhelmed is a feeling; It is not the same as actually being overwhelmed, where with mentally healthy people the feeling often follows the actual reality. With me, I can feel overwhelmed without any commitments, swallowed up by life without anyone trying to devour me lol. The same goes when depressed; I can have no plans, and yet, most of my day can be spent enduring depression or anxiety, just trying to make it through the day, similar in theory to someone with a severe migraine; they often go into survival mode, just trying to endure the pain! Although progress is being made, stigma still exists with mental illness, and I think this is largely based on the pain not always being so visible, and where invisibility exists, trust needs to be there, and it can be hard to trust others when they say they are deeply depressed. So, it is never safe to assume that because someone is home all day, too sick to work, that they are in a position to do this or do that, and if you trust that person, you will believe they can't work a regular job for a good reason, but I suppose I am digressing a bit here. So, yes, I was disappointed that I had not packed a mini pump and a patch kit and that because of this my ride was coming to an end prematurely! I lessoned the self-berating by remembering how much I struggle with social anxiety, and how almost every trip to the store is a difficult one! I remembered how often I am heavily fatigued and depressed, and all of this self-awareness helped me put things into better perspective! However, something even deeper reared its ugly head!
I have mentioned before how I am fully committed to this fundraiser, but there is more going on than that! I have not been able to accomplish so many of my ambitions and goals. I was a pretty good baseball player when I was younger, even while battling mental illness, and I had a university scout ask about me, but that interest ended when he found out I was a grade 11 dropout. I had a mental breakdown just after I scored a 94% in grade 12 kinesiology when I went back to school to prepare for university in my late 20's, early 30's, and that pretty much put an end to my hopes of being a physiotherapist. I had a mental breakdown from working part-time at a hotel, and that pretty much crushed my hopes of ever being able to work a full-time job, or even a part-time one anytime soon. I made it to 35kms as I was training to run a marathon, and after fading away from that interest, I likely will not even run 10kms again due to my joint issues. So, for this fundraiser, I have more invested than the average person because much of my goals in life have crumbled, largely in part due to mental illness! So, I hope that this little bit of biographical info helps you see why I was so demoralized when my ride ended at 40kms! I just naturally take everything at a more intense level and my past has increased this tendency! But, yes, but! like with the whole feel of my fundraiser, I found something positive out of this, the proverbial silver lining!
After losing my composure and telling my mom I didn't want to enjoy her delicious BBQ dinner, (what was I thinking? lol) I was able to regroup and reframe what took place! I had a nice conversation with my stepdad after he picked me up, and I ended up having a nice evening! I realized that because I had cycled 40kms and fortunately not 100, I could cycle again within a few days! I was reminded of an important lesson, and that lesson is that I can sometimes engage in deep catastrophic thinking! So, yes, while the ride was a disappointment, while it triggered some deep emotions, and while it did set my journey back a few days, I got through it, and so I pedal on and I hope you do too!